I'm ready for HDTV. HD stands for high definition. Synonyms include humongous confusion, highway robbery and historic gotcha.
For months TV's talking heads boasted incessantly about broadcasts being HD. I see them. I hear them. I must be watching HD. Right? Wrong!
Lately, stations run crawls and headlines saying: "In 10 days your television sets will become bookends."
I went to the electronics store. The sales person spoke a language I didn't understand: LCD, plasma, 1080i, 720p, HDMI, aspect ratio, S-video, digital, NTSC, analog, upconvert, and so on. I left, trying not to appear as stupid as I felt. I Googled, Wickepedia-ed, and twittered my way through the new language. Apparently, no single term can be defined in fewer than 10,000 words, 9,990 of which are unintelligible to the average person.
Armed with a new vocabulary, I returned to the store. The sales person smiled. (You've seen the smile — the one you give little children when you know they're lost.) I looked at a big screen. I casually tossed him a newly learned term: 1080i? "720p," he responded. We had established contact.
I forged ahead: When broadcast stations turn off their analog signals, what happens to my old television sets?
"None of them will work," he said. What about the battery-operated portable I use on the patio? "Won't work." What about the set in the kitchen? "Won't work." What about the sets built into my brother's motor home and my neighbor's SUV? "Won't work." What about the HD-ready set you sold me two years ago? (I thought I had him.) "Won't work," he said, "unless you buy a new digital tuner." How much? "Not available yet," he said with a silent "gotcha."
But I wasn't beaten. I whipped out the plastic card the government sent me, worth $40 for a converter box. "Okay," he said, "it converts high definition to low definition. It'll cost you between $20 and $40, depending on whether you want one from China, Korea, or Indonesia."
You mean Congress set up a new bureaucracy to give your company $40 added to my $30 so you can sell me a $20 gadget from China?
He smiled. "I can sell you cable or satellite subscriptions for low definition TV so you can still use at least one of your old TV sets."
I thought out loud: If I agree to pay the cable-satellite company 50 bucks a month for the rest of my life, I won't have to spend $30 now for a converter. But I still won't see HD. And I'll still need a converter for the TV in the kitchen. All for programs I'm now getting free.
"You got it," said the sales person. "For an extra 30 bucks a month you can get HD cable-satellite service. But it won't be HD unless you buy a digital television set."
I left with the converter box. It looked simple enough — a few wires, one more plug for the octopus on my wall, another remote. (My wife says remotes mate and multiply when we aren't looking.) Let's see ... the instructions say this wire goes to the "RF, unless you have S-video or a 300-ohm antenna." A what? I gave up. I asked for help from an Eagle Scout with an electronics merit badge. He programmed the complicated, multi-key remote and told me to throw away my old, simple three-key remote. "Don't touch your old TV set," he cautioned, "or nothing will work."
I asked about hooking up my VHS and DVD recorders to record athletic events and other programs off the air. "Sorry," he said, "but these converters aren't designed for that. You'll need new recorders with built-in digital tuners. Even then, your recordings won't be HD."
The talking heads continue to tell me they're in high definition. And I continue watching in low definition, even with my government-subsidized converter box. I suppose I could take out a home improvement loan and upgrade all the TV sets in the house, but I have a better idea.
When my analog TV sets go dead in a few days, I'll box them up separately and send them to my senator in Washington. He voted for this confusion. Maybe he can figure out what to do with all those useless television sets. I might even send him a couple of the VHS recorders Washington made obsolete.
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